Linda Studley

Can't Put the Pen Down…

Archive for the tag “funny”

Once Upon a Password

Once upon a password
I used to recollect
the obscure encryption
I invented to protect

my email from those hackers
so they wouldn’t see
my personal correspondence
or steal my ID.

But now it’s getting harder
to invent those ciphers
that defend my info
and permeate my life.

Upper case and numbers,
symbols interspersing,
make it look like comic book
characters are cursing.

And by the time I’ve memorize
the password I’ve arranged,
a faceless message tells me that
it’s time the password changed.

And now I must start over…
seriously? really?
I wonder how you spell
‘password’ in Swahili?

Hapless and Gruntled

If appear is the opposite of disappear
then it only makes good sense
that gruntle is the opposite of disgruntle
and gruntling the method whence

one would smooth the feathers
of someone’s disgruntlement.
We may be on to something here,
so for the sake of argument

let’s look at words that start with non
and mean the opposite of their root,
like nonviolent and violent,
should all words follow suit?

It may seem cut and dried but if
we continue in this vein,
disclosure’s the opposite of closure
and nondisclosure’s the opposite again.

And if a misstep is a failed step
it might seem apropos
that a mischief is a failed chief
(what he failed in I don’t know).

And if being a malcontent
Is being content’s opposite
then malignant’s the opposite of ignant,
therefore, ergo, to wit.

I love the English language but
my ignant’s nearly spent
and nondisclosing into


Self Preservation in the Office Environment

Birds fly away
bears defend
‘possoms play dead
and chameleons blend.

I have no wings,
I am not strong,
I fidget too much
to play dead long.

So I guess I’ll blend
but please don’t blab it,
I’m over here disguised
as a filing cabinet.



Eh is For Canadian

Eh is for Canadian
Bee – A group working towards a common goal.
Sea – For sailing, or fishing, but not for oil spills.
Dee – A hummy little sound we make if we forget the words to a song.

E – What is said upon encountering a mouse
EF – What is said when hammering a thumb
GEE – The clean version of EF
AICH – Is generally followed by  “e, double hockey sticks”, signifying vexation.

I – A word that is generally used far too much by everyone.
JAY – Birds that come in blue, grey, or Canada.
KAY – Means you agree.
EL – The French version of  ‘H’

EM – The subject of many directives “Go get’em!”
EN – The sign on your car until you get a real drivers license.
OH – An outburst signifying awe, or confusion, or irritation, or … Oh, well, it’s an outburst of some sort.

PEE – Oh for Heaven’s sake, everyone knows what PEE is!
CUE – A hint or a prompt, or perhaps a prompt hint.
ARE – We think therefore we are.
ESS – A type of curve you would be best to slow down for.

TEA – OH! Yes please, and perhaps a few biscuits too?
YOU – Used almost as frequently as “I”, generally followed by “should”.
VEE – A group of flying geese.
DOUBLE YOU – Your twin sister or brother.

EX – The person who now owns your house, car, and most of your paycheque in perpetuity.
WHY – Because
ZED – Yes, you heard me, ZED! ‘Cause we’re Canadian EH (see first line).



Whatifs and Whynots

whynotWhynots were wondering loudly one day
“Who thought up this language I wonder?
There, their, and they’re in our personal view
Are etymological blunders”

Clarity suffers we really believe
One spelling would do very nicely.
Why not just spell it as ‘thayr’ and have done
T’would do the job much more precisely.” 

Whatifs were list’ning and shaking thayr heads
As Whynots continued thayr mewling
“Why do we use double leters at all
This language could use some retoling.”

Whatifs said “What if the word’s incorrect?
The last word you said was confusing”
“Fine” said the Whynots it’s easy to fix
We’l just start to spel it ‘retewling’ 

While we’re on doubles, why have duble vowels
When one wud work as wel or beter?
Why not cut down on the time riting takes
By leving out al silent leters? 

Whatifs just side and sed “What if yor plan
Becomes more confusing than ever”
“Nonsense, now let’s drop that dum leter ‘c’
Wel thayr, don’t yu think that sownds klever? 

Drop the apostrofe, lews p h to
Its sily when ‘f’s what yor after”
Whatifs kryd “Stop now, yor making a mes.
But Whynots just burst owt in lafter. 

 “Why not fonetiks? wel rite wat we here
I no that yull no wat Im thinking.”
“But if I dont?” “wel it isnt mi falt
Thayrs no nede for yu tu start drinking” 

“What if” sed Whatifs “its sumthing rel big?
And what if I cant understand yu?
What if the klarity yu thot yu had
Duz not go just kwite as yu pland tu?

whatif“Wat now?” sed Whynots “now wat did yu sey?
A kwite yu kan fli? or a pland pot?
How kan I tel wat yor trying tu say
If yu kant speke klerely, I kan not” 

“What if” ses Whatifs “I giv yu a slap?
Yu think it wud help komprehenshun?”
“Why not” size Whynots “mi hed hurts so bad
Its stuffed full of misaprehenshun 

“What if” said Whatifs, we left it alone
This language, so full of confusion,
Doesn’t take kindly to radical change
I’ve come to a perfect conclusion;

Learn it correctly and learn it with pride
This language that gives us such trouble,
Reading and writing till we understand
Which letters are single or double.

 Where do the silent ones live in a word?
Apostrophes, how do we use them?
‘C’, I embrace you, your ‘sss’ and your ‘k’
I’ll study so I won’t confuse them.

This is my language, it’s my Mother Tongue,
I love her in spite of her foibles.
Why not delight in the shading and tints
That make her so deep and enjoyable 

“Why not” sighed Whynot.

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