Linda Studley

Whatifs and Whynots

Whynots were wondering loudly one day
“Who thought up this language I wonder?
There, their, and they’re in our personal view
Are etymological blunders”

Clarity suffers we really believe
One spelling would do very nicely.
Why not just spell it as ‘thayr’ and have done
T’would do the job much more precisely.” 

Whatifs were list’ning and shaking thayr heads
As Whynots continued thayr mewling
“Why do we use double leters at all
This language could use some retoling.”

Whatifs said “What if the word’s incorrect?
The last word you said was confusing”
“Fine” said the Whynots it’s easy to fix
We’l just start to spel it ‘retewling’ 

While we’re on doubles, why have duble vowels
When one wud work as wel or beter?
Why not cut down on the time riting takes
By leving out al silent leters? 

Whatifs just side and sed “What if yor plan
Becomes more confusing than ever”
“Nonsense, now let’s drop that dum leter ‘c’
Wel thayr, don’t yu think that sownds klever? 

Drop the apostrofe, lews p h to
Its sily when ‘f’s what yor after”
Whatifs kryd “Stop now, yor making a mes.
But Whynots just burst owt in lafter. 

 “Why not fonetiks? wel rite wat we here
I no that yull no wat Im thinking.”
“But if I dont?” “wel it isnt mi falt
Thayrs no nede for yu tu start drinking” 

“What if” sed Whatifs “its sumthing rel big?
And what if I cant understand yu?
What if the klarity yu thot yu had
Duz not go just kwite as yu pland tu?

“Wat now?” sed Whynots “now wat did yu sey?
A kwite yu kan fli? or a pland pot?
How kan I tel wat yor trying tu say
If yu kant speke klerely, I kan not” 

“What if” ses Whatifs “I giv yu a slap?
Yu think it wud help komprehenshun?”
“Why not” size Whynots “mi hed hurts so bad
Its stuffed full of misaprehenshun 

“What if” said Whatifs, we left it alone
This language, so full of confusion,
Doesn’t take kindly to radical change
I’ve come to a perfect conclusion;

Learn it correctly and learn it with pride
This language that gives us such trouble,
Reading and writing till we understand
Which letters are single or double.

 Where do the silent ones live in a word?
Apostrophes, how do we use them?
‘C’, I embrace you, your ‘sss’ and your ‘k’
I’ll study so I won’t confuse them.

This is my language, it’s my Mother Tongue,
I love her in spite of her foibles.
Why not delight in the shading and tints
That make her so deep and enjoyable 

“Why not” sighed Whynot.