If you’re competing
with anyone but yourself
You’re wasting your time.
‘Eye to eye’ means I agree
with you, and you with me
and ‘nose to nose’
might come to blows
though not usually.
‘Toe to toe’ means no holds barred
(There’ll probably be scars)
But ‘cheek to cheek’
is kinda sweet
when dancing ‘neath the stars.
So I’ll ‘be all eyes’ and ‘follow my nose’,
I’ll make sure I ‘stay on my toes’,
and if you call me a ‘word geek’
I’ll simply ‘turn the other cheek’
A chipmunk sat outside my window this evening
twitching his tiny tail.
Bright eyed, darting hither and yon
up and down the trail.
Then Stompy the squirrel lands on the roof
his army boots laced up tight
he starts training for a marathon,
and he stays at it all night.
A moose stood outside my window today
munching on willow tips.
Gawky yet graceful he nips and he nibbles
with soft, dark, velvet lips.
Then Stompy stops by and sits in a tree
and lets out a bloodcurdling shriek
a squeaked filibuster of epic proportions
that seems like it lasts a week.
A bear lumbered by my window one day
and peeked in as I peeked out
I jumped and he jumped and we both backed up.
I was too overawed to shout.
Then Stompy the squirrel moved in upstairs
and started to gnaw on the rafters,
scratching and scrabbling all through the night
like he’s digging a hole to hereafter.
So, do I like nature? Well you may ask
I like nature just fine…. Although
If I’m going to maintain my sanity
Stompy the Squirrel’s gotta go!
Squirrels must have Velcro toes
the way they climb the trees.
And the way they climb back down,
nose first, is a mystery to me.
They jump full speed from branch to branch
with a chattering Tarzan yell.
And they just moved into my attic, sigh…
Damn their furry little butts to ….
Add an s and you should be done
but that wouldn’t be any fun.
If singular window is windows when plural
it follows that house is houses, surely,
but put a mouse inside that house
and soon you’ll have a lot of mouses.
They’ll spread and soon there will be mice
living in all your neighbours’ hice.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
then it only seems right to me,
that though I smooth the path for others
and they may smooth the path for me,
if we smoothed paths together
we’d have to say “we smeethed”.
Like a child in the wild
or children in the wildren
tedium for one medium
is tedia for two media.
And if someone decides to lay down and die
would two people then lie down and dice?
I think perhaps I’ve lost my focus
and wandered into hocus pocus.
If you did too, then we lost our foci
and wandered into hoci poci.
Christmas is coming
merchants getting fat
please put your money
in the department store’s hat.
If you haven’t any money
a credit card will do
if you haven’t got a credit card
Well who needs you?
If appear is the opposite of disappear
then it only makes good sense
that gruntle is the opposite of disgruntle
and gruntling the method whence
one would smooth the feathers
of someone’s disgruntlement.
We may be on to something here,
so for the sake of argument
let’s look at words that start with non
and mean the opposite of their root,
like nonviolent and violent,
should all words follow suit?
It may seem cut and dried but if
we continue in this vein,
disclosure’s the opposite of closure
and nondisclosure’s the opposite again.
And if a misstep is a failed step
it might seem apropos
that a mischief is a failed chief
(what he failed in I don’t know).
And if being a malcontent
Is being content’s opposite
then malignant’s the opposite of ignant,
therefore, ergo, to wit.
I love the English language but
my ignant’s nearly spent
and nondisclosing into
Eh is for Canadian
Bee – A group working towards a common goal.
Sea – For sailing, or fishing, but not for oil spills.
Dee – A hummy little sound we make if we forget the words to a song.
E – What is said upon encountering a mouse
EF – What is said when hammering a thumb
GEE – The clean version of EF
AICH – Is generally followed by “e, double hockey sticks”, signifying vexation.
I – A word that is generally used far too much by everyone.
JAY – Birds that come in blue, grey, or Canada.
KAY – Means you agree.
EL – The French version of ‘H’
EM – The subject of many directives “Go get’em!”
EN – The sign on your car until you get a real drivers license.
OH – An outburst signifying awe, or confusion, or irritation, or … Oh, well, it’s an outburst of some sort.
PEE – Oh for Heaven’s sake, everyone knows what PEE is!
CUE – A hint or a prompt, or perhaps a prompt hint.
ARE – We think therefore we are.
ESS – A type of curve you would be best to slow down for.
TEA – OH! Yes please, and perhaps a few biscuits too?
YOU – Used almost as frequently as “I”, generally followed by “should”.
VEE – A group of flying geese.
DOUBLE YOU – Your twin sister or brother.
EX – The person who now owns your house, car, and most of your paycheque in perpetuity.
WHY – Because
ZED – Yes, you heard me, ZED! ‘Cause we’re Canadian EH (see first line).